On Random Conversations

in my mind :)

Oil Painting by John Sargent

By now, you might have an inkling of the millions of thoughts that cross my mind and heart. Lately, I’ve been stepping outside myself more often, observing and catching myself on these thought rides. It’s been a long time, and I feel like I’ve lived a few lifetimes in these two months away from here. I have two essays sitting pretty in the drafts folder, but I felt that the time for sharing them wasn’t right. Instead, I’d like to welcome you inside the drawing room of my mind :)

Let me add a disclaimer: these thoughts are random. Some might make sense, while others might seem dumb or wrong. I own up to it all.

How I Show Up in Difficult Times

I’ve been thinking about how I and most people show up in difficult times. I swing between a deep awareness of the situation, logic, and whimsical hope, paired with a mad consistency to get it right. It’s a contradiction. As much as I understand the need to let difficult times take their time, there’s an innate urge to get past these moments in the blink of an eye. In these times, the emotional self often wins hands down :) These days, I’m trying to get the spiritual infant in me to grow up and show up in these times. I’m the poster child for learning from difficult times, but this narrative isn’t always helpful. There ought to be phases where one unleashes the dam, feels the feels, and then gets on with solving the challenge.

Letting Go

Each moment is an act of letting go of thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. I remember Michael Singer’s words: the mind is the conductor of the heart. The mind conducts the orchestra of the heart. The day the mind learns to handle the heart, and the heart becomes friends with the mind, we might unfold to experience this okayness. The thing that no longer offends you can cease to exist in the old way. In Indian philosophy, the day we let go of the Maya, we attain the first step of the way. Our life becomes an act of letting go of each moment.

Interconnectedness and Abundance

I am an ecosystem of cosmic existence. How do I find abundance and joy despite the chaos and the different phases of the journey of the participants in this life? How do I stay true to the virtues I cherish and honest enough to view the vices that also exist in me? I’ve been on an interesting journey of learning about different philosophies (Advaita, Zen, Western, Eastern) while witnessing myself go through the highs and lows of life. There’s a deep knowing that interconnectedness with others is valuable, along with the awareness that the inward journey can only be accessed on my own. If one believes that liberation from the self is to be achieved, the path is in discarding everything that is the known self.

Designing Suffering

Suffering is a constant. How do I find joy in these times? How do we design how to suffer? Almost each of us has a unique fingerprint of how we choose to go through suffering. I’ve been watching myself go through the motions of the same cycles with changes as I progress through each one. I’ve written a lot about it. A lot has changed, yet so much remains to be changed. When I go through difficult times, I often put my health on the back burner, with bad coping skills like emotional eating or sleeping for days, or being troublesome at home. My good coping skills include movement, music, affirmations, and the reset button when I sleep at night. There’s so much conditional formatting I’m changing :)

Our approach to handling suffering often stems from our childhood. I always wanted to be comforted and assured by my loving yet socially giving parents. Both were the best, yet I felt they were more present for people in trouble than for me. But this might be a problem with my introverted self, as my younger sibling has grown up to be a wholesome person, and I’m grateful for that. I watched him handle suffering, especially when my father was unwell. People who balance emotional awareness, sensitivity, and rationality during difficult times are rare. I am still learning about how to design my experience to move past the stasis that happens during this phase?

Exploring Consciousness

While being born may be the first flicker of consciousness, the moment of death might be the eureka moment of consciousness. I’ve been pondering about consciousness. There are many versions of what it might be: religious explanations, scientific insights, and philosophical takes. This is a rabbit hole I keep exploring. During meditation, I sometimes feel like I don’t exist, experiencing absolute peace at those moments. I feel like I’m witnessing the embryo of consciousness during these times. The borders within me dissolve. It’s a vividly insane, unexplainable experience. I’ve reached that state twice in my forty-plus years. I want to keep exploring and writing about it.

On Loving

Loving people is a messy affair. Intimacy grows or withers depending on vulnerability, integrity, and commitment towards each other. Sometimes people don’t meet your expectations. There’s the psychology of being loved in all good and bad times, healthy bonds, and the spiritual explanation of love. There’s a delicate tension: how should I love people when they aren’t at their best? I have two wolves within me. One craves Esther Perel’s level of intimacy, while the other aligns with Ram Dass’s view of love as ever-present and unconditional. When I mention love, I mean it in a broader sense, not just in terms of romance. Love is present in every bond that shapes one’s existence. The sight of this thriving ecosystem inspires thoughts about the power of unity in consciousness, where separate entities harmoniously contribute to the greater union.

I took this picture and couldn’t think of anything but relationships :) healthy relationships

On Art

I’ve often pondered how we can enable more people to experience art in a way that truly tugs at their souls. I believe experiential and participative art might hold the key. Inspired by Marina Abramović’s interactive approach, Mark Rothko’s immersive colour fields, and the theatrical elements of performance art, I envision an exhibition where these elements converge. For example, a sketch I made could be transformed into a large immersive installation where people step under tree roots, listening to poems in regional vernaculars. Such experiences could open portals to both inward and outward consciousness, fostering empathy, reflection, and connection. Art has profoundly impacted my healing. The immersive, participative art experiences can extend it’s transformative power to a wider audience, building a more connected world.

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I think there is one poem that I can think of as a way to sum up this random essay.

The Layers by Stanley Kuntiz 

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon

and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned campsites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!

How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

I hope to unearth more of these layers that exist in different shapes and forms. A few of these may find grounding to become a project of its own. What I want to nurture vs what I need to let go is an eternal tryst between my heart and mind :) How will these layers transform is still a story being written in my life.

What are the random thoughts in the drawing room of your mind? How do these layers converse with you?

Until next time.

PS: Sharing the wonder of nature. I am still grateful and excited that I experienced the auroras right in front of my house. Sharing few snippets.

Things I Have Enjoyed Listening and Doing :

• Michael Singer’s Podcasts

• Meditations by Pico Iyer in the Waking Up App

• Rediscover my love for dancing :)

• Watching how the bees are back in action with gusto despite their utterly short lives.